the challenge of parenting

The Challenge of Parenting {sundry thoughts about my appalling attempt to raise children and the joy that they gave me, in spite of myself? We always wanted to be parents, your father and I. We studied, believe it or not. We read books and went to seminars and listened to sermon after sermon about parenting and what God says it is supposed to look like. Head knowledge is alot different from the real thing. When the baby comes, the real game begins. Each child tries and strengthens your resolve and dissolves your nerves and your confidence. Unlike sports competitions where you gain confidence in the continued competitions. Each child makes you wonder about yourself and why you got involved in this, in the first place. My Ethan was the very first baby that I knew that I needed pain relief. Yes, I was stupid for all those years. Attempting to endure the unendurable. This is why now, I tolerate no pain in my body for any reason. In anticipation of a headache, I take a pill. You were a delightfully non painful delivery. Still, the body goes through all of the things it has to to get the body out, but the pain has subsided and the mental anguish of will this get any worse is out of the picture. I loved it, I loved the anesthesia and I loved you for allowing me the privilege of going through this procedure painlessly and seamlessly. I thought that could never happen. It happened when you were born. Let’s just get one thing clear, you aren’t my favorite because of what we’ve been through together, but yours is my favorite birth memory to return to and I am glad that babies don’t have a memory of the birth because they might hold that against us parents, in one way or another. What to Expect, When You're Expecting was our go to book for pre pre parenting help. I lived in it, like my bible for the whole nine months. Your father preferred to wing it and he often thought that I was making up my symptoms to coincide with what the book told me would happen. Ie. vivid dreams in the 7th month, cravings for items unusual, pre labor pains. Every pregnancy followed the book on these items, with rarely a turn out of the prescribed experience. Babies are born every day and it is amazing that so many of them are normal and healthy. You were a normal healthy baby boy and busy and curious and contagiously funny. Still are. Each child is a parenting experience all his own. I am trying to focus, just on the parenting of my Ethan. Individual and only the one of a kind slim jim of our family. I wouldn’t trade one moment of our exciting and exclusively mother and child relationship. I love everyone of my children, but this story is requested by Ethan and just about my Ethan. I hope you know that. As I compile the sundry thoughts and as I sift through the flotsam of memories that are part of the ocean of your life, please be patient with the many bits of advice and the nonsensical ramblings of a proud mama at the accomplishments and growth of the man that you’ve become. I am proud of you and I am grateful that you still give me the opportunity to contribute to your growth. I will never get over the miracle of the individual that you are and I can never take any credit for that. God is great at answering prayer and you are certainly more than I could have prayed for as a man, when the doctor said, “its a boy!” From earlier blogposts

just the beginning

Notes from an aspiring grandmother Having noted, in retrospect, my sense of calling for the position of mother of you dearest children and my voracious appetite for the tools to complete the job for the glory of God, my grandmothering journey is quite the opposite. I do not feel a calling or a sense of imminence for this providence to be cast upon me. Somehow, it makes me feel old to imagine it. I am old. I want to participate in the continuance of our Walker portion of the family, but I don’t want to be old! Nana, Granny, GIGI, etc. Not one of these terms is a flattering title. It would be an honor, for sure, but I am now in the interviewing stage from my children for my qualifications for becoming the grandmother to their children. I know that my activities will be scrutinized profusely, if I’m allowed access to these fledgelings at all. Proverbs 31 Who can find a virtuous woman? Who can be a virtuous grandma? The heart of her children will safely trust in her that she will do them good and not evil all the days. That is a tough hoe to trow. I know you guys trust me, but I am not sure our standards are the same. I commit to try and follow your convictions as closely as I can, but you guys have such diversity of eating standards and spanking standars prior to even having your children that I am not sure I can keep up. I am counting on my fingers my personal priorities for Grandmothering. I. Shame Pastor Flake preached about that this past Sunday. Early exposure to God’s Word is very important to me. Singing and saying the scripture in the infant’s hearing is so impressive to the soul, in my experience. Babies will have a world coming at them in many different ways and the earlier that they have exposure to God’s Word, the greater the ability to train their reflexes to choose good and reject evil. It is hard for mature people to navigate these times of swift exposure to evil and mature thought. Preparation and preservation must begin at birth. This is not about the anticipated grandchildren that God will send, this is about my fitness for office. I love that you commissioned this thesis and I love that my waiting for the fruition has made me question my fitness. God’s word says, “You have not because you ask not and you ask amiss that you may spend it upon your lusts” {semi paraphrased}. I don't ask, is true. But I don’t think I am one of those who is seeking to spend my grands on my lust. I do relish the thought of loving them as extensions of my children but God knows I don’t have expectations of doting on them or bragging as we know that I will. I am just saying God knows my heart!