Saturday, January 29, 2011

I miss my daddy, but I see him in the little things.


The other day, I saw a leaf spinning in the tree, like mad. It was being blown in circles and not coming off of the tree. I thought of my dad. My dad seemed to say, somebody is spinning their wheels in your family. Get a grip on them. My tires were bald and I knew that my dad was pointing me to that. But, I was shocked to find out that my, usually attentive Ethy fellow, was slipping through the cracks of maternal attention. That is not hard to have happen in a big family like ours.
Okay, Dad, you are such a nag. I said back to him. I will open my eyes and look around and see who is spinning. Sure enough, the Ethy boy was totally behind in all of his subjects.
It wasn't just the writing assignments, which are usually the Walker distinctive, that got him down. It was everything.
All of my children come to me, in some point and their eyes are as open as they can be and they say, Mom, I don't know what I am going to do. I always see my dad, in them or me, when this happens, because of our many scholastic struggles. I remember the fear in my heart of death or worse, failing. I remember his unflinching command of me and the situations. I will accept nothing less. Nothing. Don't be angry, I say to myself and I want to run from that situation as far as I can. But, I pick up my heart from the ground of my emotions and remind myself that I am on this side of the whip, now. One or more stories of past days should apply and we will get past this point.
I love how people, who were not pushed can put pressure on people to perform above their ability. I will put just a little pressure and the rest is on you.
Now that Dad is in eternity, the pressure he places is just the right amount. A leaf spinning in the tree is enough for me to know that he is concerned, still.